The Ugliest Days can be Beautiful...

Where are we without it?

 

 

Interesting how different journey's in our lives can lead us to unfamiliar territories.  Places that are unknown and feel very dark at times.  I felt this again this last week.  When I found out a college friend of mine from the "singles ward" died.  (cancer)  She was 36 years old married to a guy I knew, had three children and fought breast cancer for 3 years. 

 

It sent me in a funk that I haven't felt before.  I feel broken inside...  It's a terrible feeling but it's really how I feel. So many people I know have cancer and they are dying. People's bodies are failing them and it makes me sad...

 

somewhere inside You have to dig deep, and I mean really deep...

 

Because without HOPE, and BEAUTY things can look really ugly.  and lately things have looked really ugly...

 

My Dad continues to get weaker.. his bone pain is back... and he is loosing his appetite.  So sad to see him suffering...

 

Aunt Flora is continuing to get better, and is improving... Yet my heart aches for her.. It's got to be so frustrating not being able to do things you want to....

 

My friend buried his wife this weekend... now he has to pick up the pieces and raise 3 children...

 

Yet with these tragedies...

 

I have to look for hope.. and remember to..

 

 

Right now, I can mother my children, love my husband, take care of my parents, help a friend, learn, and embrace today, for that maybe, all I have...

 

Today I am thankful...

 

 

 

 

CHAPTERS...

"Chapter One: I Am Born" Author: David Copperfield

 

 

This is Danny although he is 9 years old now, it seems like yesterday he was snuggled in my arms!

 

Danny was named after two great men!  My Dad Danny (his Grandpa) and his Dad Logan!

 

As each of our children were placed in my arms, I knew there was a God.  The miracle of birth the perfection of a baby is breath taking.

 

I felt loved and felt a love that I never knew.

 

The experience of giving birth is frightening, scary, tiring, remarkable, exhilarating, and speechless...

 

Just like the day we worked so hard to get in this world, we have to work just as hard to get out of it. 

 

CHAPTERS..

 

Nobody knows how many chapters will be in their story... but I do know we each have at least one..

 

and with every chapter... we learn, and hopefully grow from the chapters before. 

 

So.. In my Dad's final Chapters

 

March 2013

I hope he may draw strength... from knowing he is loved.. just like the love I felt having a new born baby placed in my arms.  I have a love for my parents that is deep, and it has grown deeper with time. 

 

I love you

 

May your final chapters be filled with great memories of the past, and ones that are built in the present. 

 

 

Goodbye Hospitals

 

This is Dad's last hospital stay.  He has been in the hospital 3x the last month and a half. 

 

He has had pneumonia and RSV, another stay was due to his calcium being to high because his cancer

 

is out of control, releasing calcium from his bones.  The last stay was due to inflamed intestines due

 

to 4 years of chemo and this last D Pace (which was a strong dose of chemo) and it was to much for

 

his guts. 

 

Walking the hall with Mom and Maud trying to regain some strength.

 

 

So many machines, pokes, questions, people in and out....

 

Dad masking up while housekeeping was vacuuming up his hair in the bathroom.

 

Have you ever had a hair cut in the hospital? Actually a full body shave in the hospital?

 

It was something that needed to be done because he was loosing his hair by the handfuls.

 

So one morning I gave him a hair shave.  His hair felt and looked like he had a bucket of oil spilled

 

on it.

 

 

He was cold so he wore this on his head.  Until they made him take it off because it was messing up

 

his temperature when they took it.

 

So our family said goodbye to The Huntsman, to all hospitals, no more ER visits, no more clinics, no

 

more tests.... and so we left knowing that it was our LAST GOODBYE TO THE HOSPITAL

 

SCENE....

 

so I thought...

 

until last Wednesday....

 

When I got a phone call..

 

and how that goodbye to the hospital was meet with a hello....

 

My Aunt Flora, had a stroke...

 

 

 

This pictures was a fun girl party years ago!

 

The Wardell gang, aunt Flora and I.

 

 

and so life makes another turn in a direction that we didn't see coming....

 

My heart aches for her and her family... It is so hard to see the ones you love, afraid, suffering, being

 

in unfamiliar territory... and oh the hospitals....

 

so for...

 

 

and lately there has been a lot of cookies ate...

Blessed Relationships

 

 

 

"When we have sampled much and have wandered far...our gratitude grows for the privilege of being part of something we can count on- home and family and the loyalty of loved ones... We learn that nothing can fully take the place of the blessed relationship of family life."  Thomas S. Monson

 

Grandpa wanted to give the kids their guns which he has given the other grand kids when they turn 12 years old, but Grandpa wanted to be here for it!  So we will tuck them away until they are twelve and have taken hunter safety.

 

The kids got to see Grandpa whom they haven't seen for months, because of his cancer which affects the immune system, they haven't got to be around him very often the last 4 years.  It was a tender moment seeing him with them. 

 

This was also the visit were he got to see his dog whom he loves.  It was bitter sweet, and made Dad nervous that Zing was going to hurt his belly or legs or trip him.  So Dad asked if we would take him and keep him.  Heart stopping moment considering that they have been inseparable for I think it's been 9 years. 

 

Interesting how Cancer changes many things....

Goodbyes

How do you say GOODBYE, when you don't know when that is???

 

 

When will the last word be spoken

 

The last touch, touched

 

Laughter that filled the air, now full of silence

 

When will the last breath, be took

 

 

How do you carry on with "normal" daily activities and duties that must be done, knowing that it might just be the last, goodbye?? 

 

Suddenly somethings that I thought were so important, are not.  Somethings that I thought just had to get done, don't really need too, and life feels so fragile....

 

My heart feels broken into a million shards of glass!  Ever so painful!

 

When will Goodbye, come?

 

 

When the Goodbye does come, may we hold tight to the day when we can embrace the hello!

 

I love you Dad, and I'm so sorry you are suffering, may our Goodbyes come soon.

 

Until then, Sandra